Squirrel Wars
I had all good intentions of spewing something about the loss of credibility in culture, largely at the hands of bias, commerce and advertising; about how search engines were once a possible source of objectivity until search engine optimization; about how friends were once trusted sources of information until word-of-mouth advertising cast a bit of theoretical doubt on even everyday chatter; about the message of art seeming suspect in the age of product placement. But good intentions are expendable when Squirrel Wars have been declared.
A Honda-class squirrel has returned to the attic over my kitchen/laundry area. Admittedly, I’m assuming it’s a squirrel. It could be a very large rat, in keeping with our holiday tradition of rat invasion due to colder weather and nearby demolition of older homes, but it would have to be a very hyper rat. From my rodent experience, which includes a dead rat falling on my head when I opened the attic stairs and trapping a rat in what instantly became a disposable pot, and much listening to rodent scurryings, I’m nearly certain this is a squirrel, especially since last year I saw one in the same area.
Initial hostilities today were mostly a matter of posturing. I blared a sports talk radio show at the suspected hideout. However, the wife unit found this obnoxious, so I turned off the radio. Three hours later, the squirrels were back in full taunt — doing the lambada (or worse) over my laundry.
Following time tested advice from tradespeople I invested in some mothballs, choosing the “old fashion” mothballs because apparently no one’s made any “new fangled” mothballs. Despite the mention on the box that they should not be used for chasing off squirrels, I devised a strategy of inserting the mothballs into their quarters by building what I’ve just now decided to call a stink stick. Maybe I’d just better call it the applicator. As you can see from the photo, the applicator consists of a sock filled with mothballs which is wired through a hole in a piece of stray oak toe moulding. This is why, if you have toe moulding, you should never actually install it. You’ll get squirrels. (Dedicated readers of this blog will realize from the picture that the 1991 Trooper immortalized here was enlisted as a weapon assembly area.)
The applicator was introduced into the theater of war in a night time operation, thus securing the element of surprise, as recommended by Sun Tzu. And now our offensive material is located directly in their path of entry and exit. Since installation an hour ago I’ve not heard a peep from them. No doubt they are huddled in a temporary headquarters plotting their response, fully aware that, as I proved last year, I’m not above the nuclear option — the pellet rifle.
UPDATE: An Aussie friend has written to express doubt about achieving ultimate victory through mothballs. This blog is open to suggestions for squirrel eradication pending further research at county extension services. Meanwhile, I’m going to have to take a reciprocal saw to a portion of unexposed roof decking in the attic area to achieve more direct access to Squirrel HQ. Logistics is preparing the Ryobi cordless saw with fresh batteries.
UPDATE #2:
We’ve not heard any enemy activity at our point of attack, but there is evidence of a flanking maneuver (though I’d like to think of it as a retreat) because the wife unit reports scurrying above the bedroom, roughly 25 feet from the laundry/kitchen area. An outdoor patrol with the pellet rifle yielded no targets. Centcom is considering several options, including dispersal of mothball fumes by way of the bathroom exhaust fan.
UPDATE #3:
Hostilities have escalated dramatically due to an engagement at approximately 1500 hours today. Upon hearing scurrying above the bedroom quarters, I reconnoitered via a closet scuttle hatch. Hoping to frighten the enemy into retreat or perhaps encourage an epileptic seizure, I raised that hatch enough to insert the head of a work light, which I flashed in a random pattern, if there can be such a thing. Scratch that. I flashed the light randomly. Within 10 seconds a very large squirrel raced roughly 18 feet from its previous position and attempted to either jump from the attic or attack my head. Due to rapid realignment of the scuttle hatch, the squirrel’s offensive was repelled and the proper functioning of my adrenal glands was confirmed.
Further research led to emergency procurement via the nearest home improvement logistical distribution center of a model 1025 trap. Time will tell if this unit is too small for enemy, but it has been baited and deployed in the area of the most recent engagement.
Removal of the stink stick has failed due to snagging of the sock module on a recessed piece of structure. The laundry area now smells like a thousand gramma armoires. Further removal efforts will commence by 0900 hours. We retire now to the mess hall for a proprietary dish known to our unit as “El Guapo.”
UPDATE #4:
1300 hours — It’s quiet. Yes, too quiet.
!330 hours: — The enemy has expanded its theater of operations to include the entire attic area as I now hear activity directly above me in the enclosed porch that is Freelancefred Centcom. We immediately procured at a secondary home improvement distribution center a larger model 1030 trap, baited it with Jif peanut butter and fresh pecan nut meat, and positioned the capture mechanism next to the chimney in the area of most recent activity. Scurryings can still be heard in the area, though it sounds more subdued. Our unit will now undertake target practice, after which we’ll file further dispatches, including a map of the battelfield. Sock module removal has been postponed due to weather and reprioritization.
1700 hours: — Target practice with the 66 Powermaster indicated a need for sight calibration as shooting skewed right. Adjustments to the sighting mechanism as well as learned shooter aiming bias resulted in acceptable hits on target. The 66 Powermaster remains loaded with safety on, though its ultimate use in battle remains a last resort — or maybe a second to last resort. A break in the weather allowed us to reinitiate sock module removal procedures. Thanks to some creative field modifications of the stink stick and resourceful development of new techniques the sock module was removed successfully and disposed of appropriately.
Inspection of the known point of entry revealed a natural structural opening made larger by apparent gnawing by the enemy. We deployed into the hole a fine steel wool, or at least a pretty nice steel wool. This psyops tactic is meant to allow the enemy to remove the obstacle with some effort, thus confirming that the point of entry is still in use, while causing maximum annoyance and discomfort resulting from gnawing on steel wool. In this way we hope to wear down the enemy, or at a mimumum, his teeth, thus encouraging his retreat.
UPDATE#5:
–1/3/06 At roughly 1400 hours we heard the enemy above the dining and living area. Please use the above map with your own modifications for these most recent movements until cartography can be notified. The pretty nice steel wool was removed from the known point of entry. Curiously it felt wet on the side facing inside the structure. On deeper consideration of this intelligence we’ve concluded, “Ewwww.” Now that the enemy has an escape route we will patrol the area tomorrow, and if it can be verified that the enemy is the the field rather than the attic, we might deploy permanent barrier materials. Failing that, backup weapon systems in the form of Victor rat traps have been secured and await deployment.
UPDATE #6:
Because enemy forces do not respect borders and routinely support the insurgency with supply convoys via gutter or tree from our backyard wilderness area, the field of operations was expanded yesterday to encompass our legal property as a sovereign household. From a sniping position in allied sleeping quarters, our forces reduced the enemy by one. The body was interred in a side yard location where it would not be subject to instinctual exhumation by the K-9 unit. Though no confirmed attic scurryings have been noted since the engagement, Centcom operations has not issued a cessation of hostilities. Defensive measures, including the pretty nice steel wool will be modified with a secondary barrier of hardware cloth at the known point of entry and both capture units will remain in place for several days. If no further evidence of the enemy is noted, we will look for the receipts and consider returning the capture units to their respective home improvement logistical warehouse distribution centers. Then the alert level may be reduced from Gwen Stefani lipstick red to red beans and rice.
– Jan 6. No further evidence of enemy activity. Alert level remains unchanged.
– Jan 7. No reports of enemy activity. If conditions hold until tomorrow Centcom will reduce the threat level to George Hamilton Bronze and suspend updates.
– Jan 9. Centcom has reduced the threat level to George Hamilton Bronze. The 1025 and 1030 capture units will remain in field and not returned to their respective home improvement logistical warehouse distribution centers because the Wife Unit disposed of the packaging materials. Clearly this indicates a failure in communications along the chain of command which will be corrected and reinforced in training.
UPDATE #7:
January 16 — A casual glance outside Centcom revealed a potential enemy scout consuming a nut-ready-to-eat (NRE) while perched atop a household structure not 15 feet from the final resting place of his fellow insurgent. The photograph has been fowarded to Intelligence where it will be cataloged with advanced facial recognition software and analyzed for clues as to enemy condition.
The alert level remains at George Hamilton Bronze. Our orders are to engage in deadly force only during active infestation of our structure or destruction of allied property.
January 1st, 2006 at 10:19 am
Squirrels can be tough. I wrote about my parents’ own war a while ago. I will tell them about the stink stick. Maybe we should start a Wiki of DIY squirrel control techniques.
January 1st, 2006 at 12:06 pm
Thanks, Hanas, for the anecdotal intelligence regarding squirrel conflicts in the Ohio theater. Clearly squirrels are a national menace so the Wiki of DIY squirrel control techniques sounds like a sound public service concept. After reading your report of the 2004 campaign, I have to say I’m a bit discouraged for two reasons. First, obviously the squirrel is by nature annoyingly stubborn and well stocked with initiative, so it’s likely to be a lengthy conflict. Second, my obsession with squirrels seems to indicate that I’m retired. Crap. I can’t afford to be retired — especially if I get a wild hair to pick up a Lexus for Christmas next year.
By the way. check out the art at google today.
January 1st, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Obviously you have been called to service early by the boldness of the insurgency.
January 1st, 2006 at 9:28 pm
I had one of those Havahart traps when I was a kid. I used it to trap mice which I fed to my snake. I am glad that it has turned out to be squirrels rather than rats, which I had in Decatur. It does sound like it may not squeeze in that trap.
I hope that you had a Happy New Year. My dad is doing much better, and I spent Xmas up there with him.
January 1st, 2006 at 10:41 pm
Glad to hear your dad’s on the upswing, Don, and I hope things have calmed down for you. Stay tuned for further squirrel adventures. You know that scene in Jaws when Brody gets a look at the shark and says “We’re gonna need a bigger boat?” I’m gonna need a bigger trap.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:34 pm
The only thing scarier than a squirrel is one wearing a clown suit.
I once wrote about being the victim of an unprovoked squirrel attack while visiting the Grand Canyon (http://www.nedhickson.net/blog/?p=83). That’s when I discovered that students at the University of Washington had created a website called scareysquirrel.org, which records attacks from what students say is ?a well-organized gang of squirrels? wearing tiny leather jackets with No Fear stitched on the back.
Do whatever you must to protect your family. And your nuts.
January 4th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
May I suggest that you try out this advanced simulator? It might help you get inside the mind of the monster.
January 5th, 2006 at 9:12 pm
read the story of Kurt The Rat Killer.
he gets things done http://www.komar.org/faq/hunting_rats/
January 5th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Thanks, Fritz. Clearly Kurt is a determined and succesful warrior who’s collected intersting tactics and strategies for all to consider, some falling just short of a M.O.A.B. We salute his determination and commitment, as well as his public service to the vermin afflicted.
January 6th, 2006 at 12:56 am
Years ago at an ad agency I worked at in Virginia we had mouse problems. The print production manager decide to launch an attack using those sticky traps made of some kind of goo. The next morning my art director friend, Walt, and I discovered a mouse struggling to get free from one. Walt’s heart started breaking, and we both felt bad for the mouse, so we took it outside in the ally and tried to free it from the trap. While Walt was trying to pry it from the goo the mouse turned and bit him. Deciding there was nothing we could do we, drowned it in the nearest puddle in the alley.
January 6th, 2006 at 11:03 am
Thank you for sharing, Krusty. All intelligence and anecdotal reporting is useful in any future conflicts.
Taking the life of an enemy often results in moments of remorse and survivor’s guilt, which if left unaddressed can lead to hesitation or morale issues in your ranks. This is why, in our case, the nuclear option (the 66 Powermaster pellet rifle) was well down the list of tactical options. However, the enemy was eliminated after he failed to respond to the following initiatives:
1.) spraying a mixture of hot sauce and detergent in the point of entry
2.) inserting the stink stick in the point of entry
3.) installation of two live capture traps at considerable expense to our forces.
4.) pretty nice steel wool in the point of entry (Actually results of this are undetermined since we don’t know the totality of the enemy’s movements.)
5.) attempting to induce a seizure in the rodent by means of a flashing light.
Our adversary was unwilling to come to the bargaining table, unwilling to stop eating my house, and posed a serious threat to personal safety since much of his activity was around our electrical trunk. For these reasons, the conflict escalated to its inevitable conclusion.
In your case, warfare experts might debate whether your print production manager leapfrogged the tactical chain of escalation by deploying glue traps before live capture mechanisms. A case can be made that your battle suffered from poor leadership.
Lastly, were my limbs glued to a surface and beings 100 times my size approached, I would likely resort to biting, too. Should you find yourself in that situation again you could cover the beast with a small sock or similar protective shroud to discourage biting and then either free his feet with an anti-advesive agent or cut the trap around the perimeter of each foot, giving the mouse shoes.
January 10th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
how about a battlefield report? any confirmed kills?
have they signed a non-aggression pact? or have they dug in for a Stalingrad like seige?
January 10th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Thanks for your interest, Fritz. I’ve updated the main post, but will summarize and perhaps expand here. The threat level has been reduced to George Hamilton Bronze following a confirmed kill in the backyard theater, followed by several days without scurrying incidents. Pretty nice steel wool now fills the known point of entry, which will be reinforced with hardware cloth following some much deserved R&R.
As for the kill, it was performed by the Son Unit using the 66 Powermaster pellet rifle. The enemy’s tumble from his perch was very reminiscent of a 50’s western film. Disturbingly, neither K-9 unit even noticed as the enemy hit the ground noisily.
Centcom currently believes the insurgency was squelched before the leader could recruit any co-conspirators, though we remain vigilant and will not fall into complacency. Our borders are not secure, and we have no way of knowing how many enemy are waiting to “go active.”
We retain possession of both the 1025 and 1030 capture units since 1.) we may need them again and 2.) the Wife disposed of the packaging material required for return and refund.
For now, all is quiet.
January 10th, 2006 at 9:31 pm
Sounds like you are standing tall FLF. Outstanding.
Remember….
If we are not victorious let no one come back alive
January 11th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
You are an inspirational warrior, Fritz, and our forces are grateful for your continued support. Let us all be ever vigilant.
May 21st, 2006 at 7:26 pm
Just thought I would post my personal battle resolution for any who might be interested. My first improvised solution seems to have worked so far. I located the point of infiltration. It was at the roof line above one of the kids rooms. Since there is no access to my attic I drilled a 1 1/2″ hole in the ceiling. I inserted the end of a vacuum and hooked it up to the output of a shop vac. I tee’d into the vac line with another small hose. I powered up the vac and placed the tee’d hose into a bottle of ground red pepper which then was airborne in my attic. My wife watching outside said that the squirrel wasted no time, immediately leaping two stories to the ground. Haven’t heard from him since. I covered the hole with a weather seal blank plate. Be careful not to blast the room your in with red pepper. Very Unpleasant.
May 21st, 2006 at 9:09 pm
JJdynomight — thanks so much for that valuable intel. Your in-the-field initiative is impressive, as is your willingness to go non-fatal bio on the enemy. When was the attic area again comfortably passable for humans? This technique you describe is a far more powerful airborne version of the hot sauce and dishwater repellent which has been used with some effectiveness, but only when a known gnawing surface is identified. The broadcast method you devised leaves little choice but retreat regardless of gnawage — so well done!
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:24 am
Though I was unable to witness the defeat with my own eyes, the immediate success was very gratifying. Due to the inaccessability of my attic I may never know whether or not this area is passable. I have read however that bottled red pepper, stored in a relatively cool environment, has a shelf life of 1 year. I would assume that being unbottled and exposed to the heat of an attic would reduce it’s potency rather quickly. I can not say that for sure. However, through experimentation I have found that ground red pepper does not take to the air easily. It is mostly granular which should make the attic perfectly passable except to those interested in disturbing the approximate six foot radius of fiery insulation. The good news for myself and others that might utilize this method, is that a second application is simple. As effective as this solution is, it is not for everyone, especially those who might have some repair work necessary due to the presence of the enemy. For example, an electrician repairing wiring that may have been damaged in the general area, would most likely not be pleased with the situation. If you do have access to your attic and know the general are that the squirrel is entering, a person could simply sprinkle the pepper in a more confined area. I would imagine this would be just as effective. Good Luck
November 8th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SERIOUS ADVICE ON HOW TO KILL SQUIRRELS. I don’t have a pellet gun, and I don’t have the time to sit up in my attic all day waiting to shoot them.
They have chewed through my wiring and ate the installation. It will soon be their breeding season and I am getting anxious as I cannot get rid of the little swines.
I have put down rat poison and bought expensive high pitched sensors, tried to block up where I thought they were coming through but no joy, they are still scurrying around. PLEASE HELP!
November 8th, 2006 at 9:30 pm
You’ve come to the wrong place for serious, but I can tell you that if you plugged their entry and exit while they were in the attic, they’re staying until they chew their way out some other way. The the pellet gun was easy and didn’t take much time. I heard one, I went outside, he stuck his out of my house, like “Hey Joe” I shot him dead. They’re not the wiliest of creatures in a gun sight. Many times they freeze for you. It was the last resort, I didn’t want to do that, but nothing else worked. Not mothballs, not hot sauce. I did catch one in a havahart trap. You might try one of those. Make sure you get a big enough one. Good luck. Report back.
January 1st, 2007 at 9:17 pm
More on squirrels…
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