Santa and Aunt Mary have been very good to us.

In fact, it was such a fine Christmas morning that I’ve forgotten all about the $12,000 wiring job my house apparently needs. Well, I haven’t forgotten, but I’m not dwelling on it until there’s a fire.

First, the real presents — The boy got a macbook pro for college, though he opened only the extended warranty and some software since the actual machine won’t be here for a few days. The Wife Unit got a watch, jammies, very nice wall art and a cool book. I got two excellent books: The Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman and I’ll sleep when I’m Dead by Crystal Zevon. I also received excellent CDs by — the Radiators and the Mark Knopfler/Emmylou collaboration, plus a hoodie that one might technically call “awesome.” Further, I scored a “Samurai Shark,” sharpener. As you can see from the photo, it can also be used to amputate your thumb.

In other matters, ancient canine unit Shadow lost control of most bodily functions all over the house, and we’re hoping it’s not a trend.

This Christmas also opens a deep philosophical question on the broad subject of Aunt Maryism. Does the failure to send an Aunt Mary gifts actually represent some kind of pure Aunt Mary essence? If so, both of my sisters have achieved this sublime state, though there is still the possibility their Aunt Mary gifts will arrive late, which is also very Aunt Mary.

However, their Aunt Mary radio silence is offset by the world-class Aunt Mary giftery from Debinze. Our entire family unit was in awe of the creativity exhibited from her this year.

Even in the gift addressing she channeled the Aunt Mary mindset by writing incorrect and correct names and crossing them out, settling on another incorrect one. And then, there are the gifts:

• A key chain with crossed swords, a hand grenade and arabic characters. I was curious about the specifics of the words, but really, what else do I need to know? There are plenty of potential uses for this — luggage tag or just use it as a key ring and leave it prominently on the counter while writing checks at the Army surplus store.
• The Pope Innocent III action figure. He was a helluva Pope, according to the text on the packaging. He put a stop to tossing orphans in the Tiber River and gave us transubstantiation, which I believe can power a hybrid vehicle for 300 miles on a tank of wine and crackers.
• And then there is the bag of “Rap Snacks” potato chips from Dirt McGirt. Dirt. On the package a banner urges the snacker to “think responsibly.” Here are some Dirt lyrics, and I can see why the package says he was “launched into superstar stardom,” particularly with verse like this.

The potato chip bag then directs us to the apparently abandoned www.dirtmcgirtclothing.com.

Lastly, I would like to acknowledge the exceptional Aunt Mary gift from my sister-in-law. She bestowed on us a rust, five-year-old can of turnip greens. Especially impressive was the fact that she adorned it with shredded ribbons she pulled from the gift bag my wife had just given her, in front of my wife. That act alone gets five stars for improvisational thoughtless audacity. Well done!

As always, click the pics to make them plump.